There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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