The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
