im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you had me at cake vodka
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
