woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
