good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
