Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
