I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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