I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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