You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
