So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
