I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
