I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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