I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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