we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
