did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
