Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
