saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
