I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
