What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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