when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
