how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
is it fun? or sober?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
