I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
