I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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