"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
