So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
