Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
