Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
