They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We were destined to go to rehab together
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
