Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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