You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
