I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
