Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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