FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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