I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
