why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
