You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
When are your genitals available?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
