wanna go halves on a baby?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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