my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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