I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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