She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
