whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
