I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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