I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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