Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
