What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
True strength comes from lack of pants
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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