3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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