tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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