Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
