Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
