i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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