At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
